Name: Radio X.
Age: Classic.
Appearance: White, male.
There are lots of white males. Can you narrow it down? Certainly. The most boiled-down, congealed essence of British manhood imaginable, scraped off the bottom of the pan and then further reduced to a crystalline powder of Lad Bible, Bring Back Clarkson petitions and Sergio Agüero bants. It’s the reboot kernel code stored at Porton Down in the event that every single white man is taken out by the Russians.
Right. Got it. So what has Radio X done now? It recently asked listeners to vote on the 100 best British songs of all time. Said list featured, well, lots of white men.
How many? Ballpark? Half a percent were women: Gillian Gilbert from New Order and Candida Doyle from Pulp.
Oh, dear: well, Radio X is quite literally “targeted at men”. Yet curiously 39% of listeners are women.
What about non-white people in this list? Does Gary, the drummer from the Libertines, count?
Naturally. But surely diversity of ideas is the only diversity that counts? Well, then you’ll love a list where 16 songs by Oasis are in the top 100 (five in the top 20), Stone Roses tracks make up 8% of the total, the Beatles and Stereophonics have five songs each and the Who three.
That doesn’t leave much space for Arctic Monkeys. They have nine.
I guess that means even Flourescent Adolescent made it. Of course.
Catfish and the Bottlemen? Two.
Kasabian? Three.
The Verve? Four.
Well, thank God that must mathematically exclude Queen. They occupy another four slots, including the No 2: Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is this the real life? If Live Forever is No 1, then string theory suggests we are in the best of all possible universes.
And it is. Welcome to a Thousand Year Reich of Gallagher. Actually, even Noel is cackling behind his hands. He told poll voters: “You are also sadly THE MOST nostalgic demographic on Earth. Saying that … My children and my children’s children’s children will quaff in your general direction for many years to come. I salute you.”
Do say: “Actually, Freddie Mercury, real name Farrokh Bulsara, was a Gujarati Indian, born in Africa.”
Don’t say: “What about Kelly Jones? That’s a girl’s name, isn’t it?”